It takes me awhile to get over people. Specifically old boyfriends. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive or I just let myself get too attached. It's always seemed to take me a long time to get over them, and then when I think I am... that's when another girl comes into play. I get jeoulous. It doesn't matter how long we had been together or how long ago the relationship was. It bothers me. Maybe I am just too selfish. I'm realizing more and more lately that I need people in my life. I need attention. I can't just sit at home all night, or I'll feel sorry for myself. I'm just plain pathetic and selfish. Even my ex-boyfriend that cheated on me (my first one)...when I found out he was getting married I just was sort of... ummmm.... dissapointed. Even though I hadn't talked to or seen him in the longest time I still thought, gee, well that's one less person who wants me. I enjoy attention... I even crave it to a certain extent. I need to be cared for and I feel awful for that fact.
In all this being jeolous stuff,... as mad a I am at myself for being this way... I think I'm more upset about a few other things. I had a party a little bit ago. I actually asked my own boyfriend if he wouldn't mind staying away from the party for awhile. And you know what? He was going to do it. Why did I ask him this? It was all because of one person who was going to be there. It was because of one person that was coming to that party. Yes, there is a story behind this, but of the few people who actually read this, most, if not all, know the details, or at least the general stuff. I actually asked my boyfriend not to come to my own birthday, because of one person. It's a good thing I actually went and thought it through and decided that my friends (and family) should respect my decisions. If I want to be with certain people it's my choice. If they aren't happy with it they don't have to come to the party or whatever. They don't have to have conversations behind my back either, I know everything everyone is going to say. Well, it's my life and I'm the one who has to live with my decisions, so deal with it.
Ok, now that I have yelled at myself for being mad at people for the same things I do. Now that I have talked about my jeolousy and selfishness. Now that I have ranted on about how other people act. Now that I'm thinking back through all this... I'm going to apologize.
I'm sorry that I am pathetic and selfish and jeoulous. I'm sorry that I get all upset about things that if I did them to me I would be upset about them. I'm not going to change in a heartbeat, but I will try. I will try to hold my toungue and not be so pathetic, and selfish, and jeoulous. This will definately take me time, but here's to one small step for Lauren. Maybe a few people will follow the footprints.