Entry: The sky is ever darkening Friday, May 14, 2004



  When will it be over?.... When will it end?... I honestly do not know what I am supposed to do anymore. I just want it all to be over. I was right about the thing that I was worried about. I was right on what it was. I was right to worry. I was even right that it was my fault. I caused it. It's all my fault. I'm slowly destroying myself a little bit at a time. Who can I talk to... anyone? I feel like such a fool. I feel unloved. I'm unwanted... and unneeded. Why am I here? I wish I could just look forward 30 or so years from now to see where I am. To see what I've turned out as. I can't though. I can't. i'm forced to struggle blindly. I just wish I wasn't here anymore. I don't want to deal with this. There's so much I want to do, but I don't know if I can get by the now part. I just want to pass it all by. To just skip it. I'm sick of now. I'm sick of my life now. I'm sick of how I feel... I know this all sounds very suicidal and I will admit I've thought about it, If anyone is worried I already decided that I'm too afraid to do it, but I do know how I would. It doesn't matter though. I won't do it. I just need to keep pulling through. I've struggled so much. What's a little more going to do. I guess we shall all see. Dear God please help me through this. I can't do it alone anymore...

   2 comments

Linda
June 29, 2005   06:34 AM PDT
 
When will it be over?....When will it end?...I have no idea what I'm soppose to do next! Nothing I do is ever right in the eyes of a very special someone in my life. Everything {that turns out wrong in his life} is my fault. I love him with every ounce of my heart, soul and mind. I am on disability. I take care of him financialy and every other way,as well as taking care of myself. At the same time I do without important medicines (prescribed by my doctor). Meds that I would be able to have if I did not have to support a grown man in very good health, A MAN WHO SAYS HE LOVES ME! But does not care if I die from any one of several potentially life threatening med.problemswithout the med- ications. God has a plan for me. There is a reason i am here. there has to be, I have cheated death more than 3 times at least. Some doctors say maybe even more than a dozen. I have been poisoned and remained unconcious three days in my home before my 7 year old son finnaly realized I was in danger and called my mother to tell her that he had not been able to wake me up for 3 days. I have also had blood clots in my lung on 8 different occacions. 16, kidney stones, multiple surgeries, and To this day i still don't remember anything that went on in my life for over a year before the occasion that I was poisened (which was in 1989). I have brain damage that still causes me many prblems. I not only feel , unneeded, unloved, unappreciated for many things that I still try to do for others that I am really not able to do,...I also feel like a burdon. No , I take that back: I KNOW I AM! I am mentally tortured about it everday of my life. Not only that, That 7 year old son of mine that saved my worthless life many years ago is a grown, married man and a father his self now and lives well over 1,000 miles from me. His son, My 3 year old grandson doesn't enen know me, and my son doesn't want him too. And another thing, when I left the state where my son still lives and moved 100's of miles away, I had to put every thing I owned into a rental storage building "temperarely" .suPPOSEDLY] !It was all my personal items, colectables, furniture,appliances, TV's, Washer, Dryer, 2 Microwaves, Irreplaceable baby pictures, and pictures of my father and my brother (both of whom have passed away) and many other things that were of great importance to me. Much of it very sentamental ,much of it of quite a bit of monatoral value . However, I no longer have any of it because my Son got it all out of storage without my knowledge or consent. He had a large YARD SALE with all my belonging. I never saw a cent of the money. I only found out about it when i called the storage company office to find out where to send the rental check and the manager said I owed him no money because my son got everything out of storage and said he was taking it to me. I had to start me whole life over piece by piece and now it again feels like it is falling apart painfully piece by painfuly piece. WE ALL NEED TO VENT TO SOMEONE ELSE WHEN WE ARE HURT SO BAD THAT WE DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT LIFE REALY IS ALL ABOUT! Sometimes I catch myself wondering if it is even worth it ,othertimes Ipray to God to let me live to watch my Grandchild grow up. I think all we all want is to be happy and loved, even when we sometimes feel like it would be just easier to die! Why can't we all just get along, be happy love one another as it was planned in the beginning! God Bless Us ALL!
Kelly
May 17, 2004   10:03 PM PDT
 
Hey hun. I couldn't have said it better myself. I know exactly how you feel. Those are all the same thoughts going through my head. If you're feeling how I am, you probably won't believe there's someone else who feels the same... I'm always here if you need anyone to talk to or someone to vent at. *hugs*

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