I think one of my problems is that I don't like people to be upset. I hate it so much when people are mad at me or if people are just mad. I'm probably to sensitive for my own good... and along with my low self-esteem that's not a good mixture. I feel like I have cause so many problems over the years. I feel like it is all my fault. Even if I know that it isn't, though I rarely know that, I will still find a way to blame myself. Of course, it isn't always me. Sometimes a person will make it out to be my fault and then when I point out that it wasn't my fault they will blame it fully on themselves. Then I feel like it is all my fault again that the person is down on themself. I guess I'll have to slowly work through it.
Something else that happened recently that started my wheels turning happened at the Medieval & Rennaissance Faire a few weekends ago. The faire was over and I was standing there watching the closing affairs and such when I suddenly just hit a very sad spot. I was standing a little of to the side, because I am not really a part of the faire, but a lot of my friends are. I didn't find anything wrong with me being to the side, but I felt kind of sad about it. My mom used to tell me I wasn't a social butterfly and I understood what she meant. Elementary school through high school I spent most of the time by myself. It wasn't that I wanted it, but I was extremely shy and wasn't the most popular kid around. All I wanted was to accepted and since I felt that I wasn't I made myself be happy being alone. Sure I had my friends, but I didn't always feel like I was wanted around. I decided that if I was "in the way" too much I would annoy people, so I decided to stick to the borders. I guess it was sometime in high school that I found some of my other emotions about it. I found that I could be in a crowd of people... maybe even talking a little... but always I would end up on the edge feeling so alone. That's how I was feeling when I was standing to the side of the group of people at Faire. I so wanted to be a part of it all, but due to my shyness, and my not wanting to bother people I just stood back. A friend of mine who I just met in recent years (I wish I have known him much longer) came up to me and asked if I was ok. I told him I was fine... that's my usual response to people that ask if I'm ok whether it's true or not. He then told me that I looked alone and he wasn't sure if it was my choice or not. He said he was often alone abd it wasn't always his choice. Again I told him I was fine and he walked away calling me an enigma as he left. An enigma... a mystery. Once I found out exactly what he was clling me I knodded to myself thinking that ... yes, I'm a mystery to myself, so i could see how I could be one to other people. It was nice to hear that he understood the alone thing though I never really admitted that I wasn't ok. I think if I get the chance to talk to him about it, I shall.
The whole alone thing got me thinking of course, but it wasn't until some other things crossed my mind that my tears started to fall. It was a few people's last faire that they would be participating in so there were a lot of hugs going around and tears being shed. At first I just stood around and watched, but I eventually went up to someone and gave them a hug. He was crying already and ever since a night I broke down crying and he held me in his arms till I calmed down I have looked at him differently. Before that night I had looked upon him as someone I knew. You could call him a friend, but it was more of a friend that you wave to as you pass them by on campus or have the "hi how are you doing?" conversations with. That night in his arms I realized that he was more than that kind of friend. He is the kind of friend that if you need him... he'll be there for you. Not in a best friend kind of way, but just in a "he actually cares when I thought he didn't" kind of way. When I realeased from the hug I realized that my eyes were no longer dry. I went back to my spot on the side of the group and watched people for awhile. This friend will not be here next year, because he is going to Louisiana for grad school. I am going to be here in Columbus for at least 3 more years. That moment I looked around and realized that the group of people that I know right now are some of the best friends I've ever had. I felt like I had found what I had been missing most of my life, besides a few exceptions. (They know who they are.) There I was standing there thinking about how everyone would soon graduate and move on and I would be left behind.... alone again. I just wanted to sit down right there and cry my eyes dry. Did I? No... I shed a few, gave a few hugs, and walked home shoving the feeling down to the safety deposit box of my heart.
I wasn't going to wite this much this morning. All I came here to do was sign up for the journal. I decided that I really liked my friend Heather's and it wouldn't be the first time one of us signed up for a journal cause the other had one already : )
Sweet Dreams to all... I'm off to try and sort out my thoughts in my dreams.
The whole alone thing got me thinking of course, but it wasn't until some other things crossed my mind that my tears started to fall. It was a few people's last faire that they would be participating in so there were a lot of hugs going around and tears being shed. At first I just stood around and watched, but I eventually went up to someone and gave them a hug. He was crying already and ever since a night I broke down crying and he held me in his arms till I calmed down I have looked at him differently. Before that night I had looked upon him as someone I knew. You could call him a friend, but it was more of a friend that you wave to as you pass them by on campus or have the "hi how are you doing?" conversations with. That night in his arms I realized that he was more than that kind of friend. He is the kind of friend that if you need him... he'll be there for you. Not in a best friend kind of way, but just in a "he actually cares when I thought he didn't" kind of way. When I realeased from the hug I realized that my eyes were no longer dry. I went back to my spot on the side of the group and watched people for awhile. This friend will not be here next year, because he is going to Louisiana for grad school. I am going to be here in Columbus for at least 3 more years. That moment I looked around and realized that the group of people that I know right now are some of the best friends I've ever had. I felt like I had found what I had been missing most of my life, besides a few exceptions. (They know who they are.) There I was standing there thinking about how everyone would soon graduate and move on and I would be left behind.... alone again. I just wanted to sit down right there and cry my eyes dry. Did I? No... I shed a few, gave a few hugs, and walked home shoving the feeling down to the safety deposit box of my heart.
I wasn't going to wite this much this morning. All I came here to do was sign up for the journal. I decided that I really liked my friend Heather's and it wouldn't be the first time one of us signed up for a journal cause the other had one already : )
Sweet Dreams to all... I'm off to try and sort out my thoughts in my dreams.
