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Monday, July 19, 2004
I love the way this turned out!!! To Mike and Jeff, I love you guys!
Posted at 10:54 pm by OSUcssndr
Beautiful Song... yeah I know it's Disney
When the Rain Falls
Oh…oo oo
I don’t understand
This should be so easy
To just reach my hand
And know the world is free
But nothing’s, as it seems
I can tell you freely
Touching’s not the only way to feel
(Chorus:)
When the rain falls
It’s like heaven’s crying
When the name’s all
The difference that there is
Cause tears are
The same when they are trying to grow something good
Out of all the pain
There’s no difference between the teardrops and the rain.
I know you proudly say
That I’m just talking crazy
To think of life that way
Means that I’m confused
There’s happy and there’s sad
But maybe yes just maybe
The sadness can make the happiness more true
(Chorus:)
When the rain falls
It’s like heaven’s crying
When the name’s all
The difference that there is
Cause tears are
The same when they are trying to grow something good
Out of all the pain
There’s no difference between the teardrops and the rain.
Because I know the bones were necessary
I don’t let it bother me at all
(Chorus:)
When the rain falls
It’s like heaven’s crying
When the name’s all
The difference that there is
Cause tears are
The same when they are trying to grow something good
Out of all the pain
There’s no difference between the teardrops and the rain.
Oh…oo oo
Posted at 8:54 pm by OSUcssndr
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Ugh...
I don't know if any of you have had the feeling before, but I have it badly sometimes.
I feel as if that some people have a life that they share with me and then a secret life. A life that maybe shouldn't be going on and they are scared to share with me. A life that maybe I should be a part of to help them. A life that if I knew about it... I probably wouldn't want to be around. A life that I would really want to help with, but would probably tear me apart in the process.
If you want to share that life, please do.
I really would like to help.
To my friends... I love you all.
Trust in me.
Posted at 5:05 pm by OSUcssndr
I'm not sure if I hate Cincinnati or Cincinnati hates me. I got home on friday and went to a park with my brother and some friends. At this park they have the curbs on the sides of the blacktop... well, on the other side of the curb the blacktop goes on for a few inches more and then there is a drop. I got over the curb but not the rest of the blacktop and fell. Well, I ended up staying where I was until I scooted on the blacktop again and noticed the bump. It definately did not belong on my foot. I called the friends over and we decided we should go home. Nick carried me about half-way and then Chandler (my brother, the future Athletic Trainer ) showed him how they both could carry me. They got me home and brought me downstairs. I was upset, not because of it hurting... it did... but because of how my mom was acting towards me. She acted like she didn't even care that I did anything. So, we put ice on it and called the doctor. It was nice to have the people around that did seem to care, so thanks to those of you who care about me. I appreciate it very much and it's nice to know I still have friends like that here in Cincy.
The next day I went to the doctor's office and he sent me to the hospital to get an x-ray and told me to call an orthopedic. Wonderful. Sunday i ended up hobbling around. I've never used crutches. I ended up falling twice trying to go down the stairs, but luckily did not end up injuring myself further. Finally I ended up going to the orthopedic monday and he told me I had a non-displaced fracture of the fifth metatarsal. This is on my left foot also. Apparently it could have been a lot worse and it could still be worse, because it is at the very tip of the bone. If it had broken more I would have had to get surgery. So thank goodness (breathing sigh of relief) it hasn't come to that.
The above picture is pointing right at the bone that I fractured. The fracture is up on the end closest to the ankle though.
So now I'm wearing a walking cast or as the doctor called it a "moon boot". It's very annoying, but I can take it off to shower and sleep. I still have to use crutches for a little bit until I can walk without it hurting so much. I also have to come back to Cincy in a few weeks to get it x-rayed again.
So that's my time home so far and I basically feel like I came back to break my foot and get it treated and then I'm going back home (to Columbus) again. ... Sigh...
Posted at 4:47 pm by OSUcssndr
Thursday, June 10, 2004
You know,... it's funny how some things just seem so fine to you when you do them, but then when someone else does something of the same thing it's wrong. How you can feel a certain way about situations, but then if the other person has the same feelings it just seems wrong to you. (Joshua, I know you are going to read this, but I just want you to know that I love you with all my heart and I'm just trying to get some feelings out. I'm trying to figure myself out.)
It takes me awhile to get over people. Specifically old boyfriends. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive or I just let myself get too attached. It's always seemed to take me a long time to get over them, and then when I think I am... that's when another girl comes into play. I get jeoulous. It doesn't matter how long we had been together or how long ago the relationship was. It bothers me. Maybe I am just too selfish. I'm realizing more and more lately that I need people in my life. I need attention. I can't just sit at home all night, or I'll feel sorry for myself. I'm just plain pathetic and selfish. Even my ex-boyfriend that cheated on me (my first one)...when I found out he was getting married I just was sort of... ummmm.... dissapointed. Even though I hadn't talked to or seen him in the longest time I still thought, gee, well that's one less person who wants me. I enjoy attention... I even crave it to a certain extent. I need to be cared for and I feel awful for that fact.
In all this being jeolous stuff,... as mad a I am at myself for being this way... I think I'm more upset about a few other things. I had a party a little bit ago. I actually asked my own boyfriend if he wouldn't mind staying away from the party for awhile. And you know what? He was going to do it. Why did I ask him this? It was all because of one person who was going to be there. It was because of one person that was coming to that party. Yes, there is a story behind this, but of the few people who actually read this, most, if not all, know the details, or at least the general stuff. I actually asked my boyfriend not to come to my own birthday, because of one person. It's a good thing I actually went and thought it through and decided that my friends (and family) should respect my decisions. If I want to be with certain people it's my choice. If they aren't happy with it they don't have to come to the party or whatever. They don't have to have conversations behind my back either, I know everything everyone is going to say. Well, it's my life and I'm the one who has to live with my decisions, so deal with it.
Ok, now that I have yelled at myself for being mad at people for the same things I do. Now that I have talked about my jeolousy and selfishness. Now that I have ranted on about how other people act. Now that I'm thinking back through all this... I'm going to apologize.
I'm sorry that I am pathetic and selfish and jeoulous. I'm sorry that I get all upset about things that if I did them to me I would be upset about them. I'm not going to change in a heartbeat, but I will try. I will try to hold my toungue and not be so pathetic, and selfish, and jeoulous. This will definately take me time, but here's to one small step for Lauren. Maybe a few people will follow the footprints.
Posted at 1:45 am by OSUcssndr
Friday, May 14, 2004
The sky is ever darkening
When will it be over?.... When will it end?... I honestly do not know what I am supposed to do anymore. I just want it all to be over. I was right about the thing that I was worried about. I was right on what it was. I was right to worry. I was even right that it was my fault. I caused it. It's all my fault. I'm slowly destroying myself a little bit at a time. Who can I talk to... anyone? I feel like such a fool. I feel unloved. I'm unwanted... and unneeded. Why am I here? I wish I could just look forward 30 or so years from now to see where I am. To see what I've turned out as. I can't though. I can't. i'm forced to struggle blindly. I just wish I wasn't here anymore. I don't want to deal with this. There's so much I want to do, but I don't know if I can get by the now part. I just want to pass it all by. To just skip it. I'm sick of now. I'm sick of my life now. I'm sick of how I feel... I know this all sounds very suicidal and I will admit I've thought about it, If anyone is worried I already decided that I'm too afraid to do it, but I do know how I would. It doesn't matter though. I won't do it. I just need to keep pulling through. I've struggled so much. What's a little more going to do. I guess we shall all see. Dear God please help me through this. I can't do it alone anymore...
Posted at 12:57 am by OSUcssndr
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
Actions speak louder than words. If you are truly sorry
for something you do, how about not doing it again?!
I found this on a friend of friend's journal. I really liked it. I feel as if some people do not care if they hurt me. I feel as if my opinions don't matter. I'm along for the ride, but I have no say of where we go. I keep getting apologized to, but then sometime later it happens again. I have so many things on my mind. So many hopes. So many worries. I am worried about so many different things, but when I ask questions I don't get answers. I'm told that I should know the answer. With recent events having passed I don't know the answer. I fear that in not giving me an answer people say that I am right about my worrying. There are times I trust, and then there are times that my mind is set on what they are doing, and I have no doubt that I am probably right. I feel bad when that happens, but if you don't have an explanation for me and tell me I should just trust you? Do I trust that? I feel horrible to be trying to drag it out. I feel like me trying to drag it out will just turn them back to the dark side. I do not want that, but how am I supposed to help if they will not talk to me? Is it my fault if what I fear is true? Is it my fault that they are going back to the dark side? Have I done something to cause this? Have I done something to deserve this.
In writing this I feel a little better, but there are so many things I cannot put into words very well yet. I cannot put my fingers on the exact emotions yet. I will see how all of this goes. I'm taking a step, hopefully tommorow, that could either make or break things. If people won't listen things are going to continue to fall apart till it would hardly be worth putting them back together. If they listen maybe things can be mended. It's going to take more effort from them than they have been giving. We shall see how it goes. My heart has some hope... but mostly I feel defeated. Posted at 1:05 pm by OSUcssndr
As you can see it's 4 in the morning... assuming I got my timezone right. (I always forget which one I am in.) I've been stressing out a lot lately... especially within the last year or more. I'm just now starting to figure things out. Last wednesday a few of my friends and I went out for icecream. The friend I rode with on the way there kept asking me how I was. He said I seemed like I was down a lot lately. He said I hadn't seemed right for a long time. He's right. I can feel all my worries starting to eat away at me.I have so much on my mind and I haven't quite figured out how to sort it all out yet. I'm trying, but I feel like I am fighting a battle... or maybe a war.
I think one of my problems is that I don't like people to be upset. I hate it so much when people are mad at me or if people are just mad. I'm probably to sensitive for my own good... and along with my low self-esteem that's not a good mixture. I feel like I have cause so many problems over the years. I feel like it is all my fault. Even if I know that it isn't, though I rarely know that, I will still find a way to blame myself. Of course, it isn't always me. Sometimes a person will make it out to be my fault and then when I point out that it wasn't my fault they will blame it fully on themselves. Then I feel like it is all my fault again that the person is down on themself. I guess I'll have to slowly work through it.
Something else that happened recently that started my wheels turning happened at the Medieval & Rennaissance Faire a few weekends ago. The faire was over and I was standing there watching the closing affairs and such when I suddenly just hit a very sad spot. I was standing a little of to the side, because I am not really a part of the faire, but a lot of my friends are. I didn't find anything wrong with me being to the side, but I felt kind of sad about it. My mom used to tell me I wasn't a social butterfly and I understood what she meant. Elementary school through high school I spent most of the time by myself. It wasn't that I wanted it, but I was extremely shy and wasn't the most popular kid around. All I wanted was to accepted and since I felt that I wasn't I made myself be happy being alone. Sure I had my friends, but I didn't always feel like I was wanted around. I decided that if I was "in the way" too much I would annoy people, so I decided to stick to the borders. I guess it was sometime in high school that I found some of my other emotions about it. I found that I could be in a crowd of people... maybe even talking a little... but always I would end up on the edge feeling so alone. That's how I was feeling when I was standing to the side of the group of people at Faire. I so wanted to be a part of it all, but due to my shyness, and my not wanting to bother people I just stood back. A friend of mine who I just met in recent years (I wish I have known him much longer) came up to me and asked if I was ok. I told him I was fine... that's my usual response to people that ask if I'm ok whether it's true or not. He then told me that I looked alone and he wasn't sure if it was my choice or not. He said he was often alone abd it wasn't always his choice. Again I told him I was fine and he walked away calling me an enigma as he left. An enigma... a mystery. Once I found out exactly what he was clling me I knodded to myself thinking that ... yes, I'm a mystery to myself, so i could see how I could be one to other people. It was nice to hear that he understood the alone thing though I never really admitted that I wasn't ok. I think if I get the chance to talk to him about it, I shall.
The whole alone thing got me thinking of course, but it wasn't until some other things crossed my mind that my tears started to fall. It was a few people's last faire that they would be participating in so there were a lot of hugs going around and tears being shed. At first I just stood around and watched, but I eventually went up to someone and gave them a hug. He was crying already and ever since a night I broke down crying and he held me in his arms till I calmed down I have looked at him differently. Before that night I had looked upon him as someone I knew. You could call him a friend, but it was more of a friend that you wave to as you pass them by on campus or have the "hi how are you doing?" conversations with. That night in his arms I realized that he was more than that kind of friend. He is the kind of friend that if you need him... he'll be there for you. Not in a best friend kind of way, but just in a "he actually cares when I thought he didn't" kind of way. When I realeased from the hug I realized that my eyes were no longer dry. I went back to my spot on the side of the group and watched people for awhile. This friend will not be here next year, because he is going to Louisiana for grad school. I am going to be here in Columbus for at least 3 more years. That moment I looked around and realized that the group of people that I know right now are some of the best friends I've ever had. I felt like I had found what I had been missing most of my life, besides a few exceptions. (They know who they are.) There I was standing there thinking about how everyone would soon graduate and move on and I would be left behind.... alone again. I just wanted to sit down right there and cry my eyes dry. Did I? No... I shed a few, gave a few hugs, and walked home shoving the feeling down to the safety deposit box of my heart.
I wasn't going to wite this much this morning. All I came here to do was sign up for the journal. I decided that I really liked my friend Heather's and it wouldn't be the first time one of us signed up for a journal cause the other had one already : )
Sweet Dreams to all... I'm off to try and sort out my thoughts in my dreams.
Posted at 4:18 am by OSUcssndr
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